My room smells like vodka and shame
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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