she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
