Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
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