i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
