I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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