When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
