Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
