There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
