M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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