I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
