so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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