Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
