We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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