you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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