I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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