if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
