If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
