I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
