Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
