In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
