i wish my penis had a tongue
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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