Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dear god my vagina.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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