took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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