I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize