My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
