I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
