you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
