u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
