If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
