you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize