why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
