why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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