Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
40s are totally the cure
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
