Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
