I need to stop coming to work sober
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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