Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I still have a little drunk in my system
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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