I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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