i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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