I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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