You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
