I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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