hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize