I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
