Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
