why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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