Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
