dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
