i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
