My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
