when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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