My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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