Welp...herpes.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
