I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
