My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
