I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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