Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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