Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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