The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
