mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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