It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
