He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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