I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
