My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
