you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize