if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize