Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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