So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dignity is for republicans.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
