Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
