Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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