Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
