So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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